Forgiveness ceremony under the full moon:

As I walk along the dark road I reach a familiar door, with a signage above: The heart of Lamees. As I swing the door open and take my first step I smell smoke, nothing is out of place yet everything feels foreign. I sit on the couch and try to relax I feel restless, I don’t feel safe. 

I get up to leave this place, it is not mine anymore it is just a mirage of what was once there.

I go outside basking under the full moon, I see her shimmering reflection against the frozen lake. As I walk through I feel wary for the unknown is in front of me. When I reach the other side  I see a cabin and open the door, this is familiar, this is home somehow. I have been here before in a dream or two. I don’t know what it is called all I know it is mine.

I walk through a room filled with memories, as soon as I step into it, I am flooded with memories that I have locked away. The dam broke and the memories keep on flashing by, since I was in my mother’s womb. I see myself quiet, masking, fighting, hiding, defending, laughing, crying all the various expressions I had through out my life feelings I was called to suppress, expressions deemed un-natural. I never felt truly safe, I don’t know what that meant. Every step was scrutinized, every movement was judged, there was none I could really trust. I feel my tears falling down, my heart palpating waiting to burst out of my chest, my breathing shallow. My thoughts try to rush in to make excuses but I don’t let it. I reassure it that I want to feel, I am done with trying to think it away, it’s now time to feel it all and feel it through.

Once the memories stopped flooding me, I went into an another room with a bed and my teddy bear, once I laid down and hugged my bear, I kept on shifting from a child to a teenager to an adult and my bear shifted with me. A silhouette cam close to the bed and it was me as well. I was telling all the versions of myself: “You don’t have to hide who you are, you can let go of that mask. I am here to protect you, to hold you, to love you. Express how you feel, you are responsible for expressing yourself but you are not responsible for how others feel about it. Love with compassion, trust your intuition and trust others. The paranoia and conditioning in your mind is not yours it was passed down and you can let it go. I love you as you are and I am proud of you and of every experience you went through.” 

After getting off of the bed, knowing that this was a trip I had to do alone. I leave the cabin and see my best friends, my love, all of my ancestors, people, animals and spirits who love me for me. They were all celebrating me and I them. We head back to my heart and it feels like home, it looks bigger, brighter, much more grand, the garden is green and supple with so many creatures roaming around. It feels surreal, and I feel safe in my heart once again.