The power of accepting your “I”.

My journey of accepting and how it may help you accept yourself.

  “I”, this little pronoun has twisted my life in so many ways. As I was taught from a young age that it was an evil pronoun when talking about one’s accomplishments or if one needed to vent about something, using it excessively makes a person “cocky”.

Don’t talk about your blessings out loud in front of others, or the blessings will be taken away. Pray for others first, put yourself last; you don’t want to be selfish. Don’t celebrate your wins; better yet, act like they’re nothing. Remember you’re not important-the world doesn’t revolve around you. Don’t let your emotions show; you’ll make other feel awkward. So basically, bottle it up; don’t be a drama queen.

I embraced this role and played it well for decades- the typical “good girl”, nurturing towards others, awful to myself. I buried what was deemed unacceptable deep down inside. That part began to form a life of her own. She began to claw her way out every time I got triggered, getting closer to the surface with each occasion.

I would get triggered, if a person expressed their full range of emotions, if they were rejoiced for being creative, if they put themselves first and demanded their worth. The most triggering of them all was the person who was just being who they are without any care about what others thought of them-no hatred or worry,  just living in their own world. 

I was jealous, resentful, and honestly, overall pissed. How come they get to do, dress, act, and feel however they want with no disregard to anyone else’s opinion? I was fuming. Why was I put through all that,? Why couldn’t I be born to a different community, a more accepting one? Clearly, I’m not cut out for this one. All the “why’s” popped, and my victimhood mentality made itself comfortable in my mind.

Then the realization came to me: yes, I was a child back then, yes, I didn’t know better, and yes, I needed to do what I did. But now, I’m a full grown adult, and therefore I need to take responsibility for my actions, just as I wished the adults in my life had taken responsibility of theirs.

If I want to be the expressive, colourful, multilayered being that I am, I needed to use my ‘I’. This pronoun needs to shine through, and in order to do that, I need to give permission to myself to take as much space as possible. To allow the “darkness” to come out to play, this shadow self of mine that was full of shame, guilt and anger, as well as creativity, playfulness and the capacity to grow.

How does accepting yourself show up as?

Of course this led to a domino effect within me. First, I stopped being always available and accessible to everyone at all times. There was a lot of guilt associated with caring about myself as much I cared about others. There was a huge amount of shame I had when I said my first ‘no’, it still affects me, to a lesser extent. 

Second, I made sure to show myself love and grace, and I started to heal my inner child. I allowed myself to rest and listen more to what my body needs. I then reminded myself it’s okay to fail, to mess up, to stumble back into something; it’s okay to repeat the lesson until it’s learned.

Third, I started validating my experiences, acknowledging my wins, my struggles; I started to validate me without needing validation from others. I had to stop trying to get everyone to like me, accept me, or believe in me. I am gradually improving in this aspect day by day, but the struggle is real.

Fourth, I accepted that my responsibility lies in how I present myself and in getting closer to be authentically me each and every day. However, it is not my responsibility how others perceive me, or react to me, as long as I’m mindful to others around me-it’s none of my business. 

Finally, what people do in their lives and how they respond to their lessons is not my responsibility. I am not a fixer; it is not my job even if my intentions are good. I would only be robbing them of their free will and taking away their chance to have the full experience their lives.